Wordless Wednesday

Horse Morning

Ellen has been going to the farm in the wee hours of the morning so she can ride before the flies start driving the horses crazy. I snuck up on her the other  day and took a few pics. She is learning amazing things from these gentle (sometimes not so) giants.

K

Free Audiobooks to download

I’m so excited about a site that I found today. Books Should Be Free has hundreds of classic audiobooks available for download — for free!

Go check it out and download some to listen while you drive or fold laundry or cook dinner. Browsing through the choices brought up memories for me of summer reading as a kid. See what you can find!

K

The Hands Off Approach....sort of

Recently, I found myself socializing with some other parents like me. After discussing the best snack choices and how dirty everyone's minivan always is, we started talking about how hard is to make sure that we raise children who have a strong moral compass--what if these kids end up with no sense of ethics? Most parents commented that having strong morals as a parent would surely rub off on the kids--whether they like it or not.

And as it usually does, one of my favorite parenting strategies came up — the importance of letting kids drive their own decision-making as much as we can, even when we disagree. We talked about how it’s vital to let them take the wheel as often as possible if we want them to develop the long-term ability to think ethically and well on their own. Obviously there are many times when we have to assert our own judgment. But letting go when we can has some great long-term benefits.

I was curious and brought up questions of raising kids to be critical thinkers in a culture dominated by religion. The Pledge of Allegiance, the proselytizing neighbor, Grandma’s insistence on taking the kids to her church, pressure from religious peers — I shared my belief that, in every case, the best thing a parent can do is help the child assess options and weigh consequences, then let the child make his or her own decision about what to do, even if the parent thinks it’s a mistake. They’ll learn more from the experience than from any pre-emptive lecture we can give. (Not to mention the possibility that our advice could have been wrong.)

While driving home, I thought of something that happened when Ellen was younger.

She (then about 9) asked if she could wear a pink beaded cross necklace to school. She’d bought it on vacation at the dollar store, but now she said, “I feel weird wearing it when I’m not sure if I believe in god. Like I’m not being honest. But I just like to wear it.”

“It’s fine, sweetie. It’s a pretty necklace.”

She paused. There was more, I could tell. “It makes me feel good to wear it.”

Uhhh, okay, I was trying really hard not to judge. “You mean that you feel like a good person when you wear a cross?”

“No, of course not,” she said. “It just…” She smiled, “It makes me feel like I’m more safe somehow.”
It was a simple talisman to her. An object of no real value, that gave her strength when she needed it. In time I knew that she would realize that the strength she felt was really coming from herself. I thought about the worry dolls I had as a child... and Ellen does spend more time worrying than she needed to. I let it go.

As it happens, she wore it for a week, then I found it on the floor of the car and put it in her room. I haven’t seen it since. I assumed she got tired of it, or made some decision about it. And because she had made the decision herself, there’s a much greater chance that she gained something more valuable than if I had simply issued a ruling.

So, parenting continues to teach me things everyday. It’s hard to watch them struggle as they try to figure out what is right for themselves...and harder yet not to share some sage advice with them. Sometimes, it would be so much easier to tell them what they believe based on what we believe. But in the end, the hope is that they will turn out to be ethical adults who can make intelligent decisions and live a life that they can feel good about living.

K

Wet Wednesday

Since it looks like it may rain here at any moment, our plans to attend the carnival at the town pool today may be cancelled. I was looking for something interesting to do with the kids when I remembered this cool thing I had seen a while ago.

It's a paper city that you can download and cut out and have fun with!

I love the little people.

I think they're French....

There are vehicles and animals too. We are also planning to create some of our own to add to the city.

 We thought it was weird that it seems to be missing a robot and a ninja.

K

Wordless Wednesday

Our nation's new official poet

"Merwin's poems speak from a lifelong belief in the power of words to awaken our drowsy souls and see the world with compassionate interconnection." 
                                               ---said of W.S. Merwin when he won his second Pulitzer Prize.

Last week, William S. Merwin was was named the 17th poet laureate of the United States. During his term, the Poet Laureate seeks to raise the national consciousness to a greater appreciation of the reading and writing of poetry.

Yesterday by W. S. Merwin


My friend says I was not a good son
you understand
I say yes I understand

he says I did not go
to see my parents very often you know
and I say yes I know

even when I was living in the same city he says
maybe I would go there once
a month or maybe even less
I say oh yes

he says the last time I went to see my father
I say the last time I saw my father
he says the last time I saw my father

he was asking me about my life
how I was making out and he
went into the next room
to get something to give me
oh I say

feeling again the cold
of my father's hand the last time
he says and my father turned
in the doorway and saw me
look at my wristwatch and he

said you know I would like you to stay
and talk with me
oh yes I say

but if you are busy he said
I don't want you to feel that you
have to
just because I'm here

I say nothing

he says my father
said maybe
you have important work you are doing
or maybe you should be seeing
somebody I don't want to keep you

I look out the window
my friend is older than I am
he says and I told my father it was so

and I got up and left him then
you know
though there was nowhere I had to go
and nothing I had to do

Flying Lessons 2 Bees

The eight year old looking worried said, "I want to go outside, but I can't."


"What’s the problem?” I asked, knowing.

“Bees."

“Ah.”

“What should I do?” he looked at me for an answer.

“You should go to your room and curl up in a ball on the floor.”

He rolled his eyes and he sighed as if to say, "I know you are going to make a point".


“If your only goal is to be safe, it’s your best move. But if you want a good life, you need to spend some time figuring out which fears are worth having.”


"Bees sting. It's a fear worth having." (there's the smart guy I love)

He’s right. But I want him to learn to balance risk and reward — to recognize that too manic an obsession with safety wrings all of the fun out of life, that we too often worry about the wrong things anyway, and that a little knowledge can often do more than anything else to put fears in perspective.

So we Googled bees and why they might want to hurt us, and we found out that they don't want to after all. As we suspected, most bees die after they sting.

We also found this cool picture of a man covered with bees and he looks reasonable, right?

So why should we be afraid?

"So it looks like you you and the bee both want the same thing. Just go about your business, leave the bees alone and I'll bet they do the same."

"But what if I do get stung?"

"I have ice and medicine and hugs and ice cream."

Out he ran.

K

Flying Lessons

This season's third batch of finches was ready to leave the nest in our breezeway.

See them up there in the corner? They think we can't see them...

They are getting way too big for the nest. There are four of them in there.

The mom spent all day chirping to them from several yards away.

I don't know for sure, but I think she was saying, "C'mon, you can do it. I have done all I can for you and now you need to fly." Or something like that...

One of them bravely took off, leaving the comfort and safety of the only place he had ever been.

and them something terrible happened--

You get the picture.

(okay, so about my little guy going to Kindergarten in the Fall...)

K

Wordless Wednesday

BANG!

My five year old was asking me in the car yesterday how the planets all became planets and how the universe got to be how it is. I gave a crappy Big Bang theory explanation from the driver's seat and his brother piped in with a pretty good story about an explosion, and we all agreed to Google it as soon as we got home.

Well, when we got home, we went swimming, played outside with the rabbit, the neighbor came over, dinner, Grandpa needed help in the garden, we had to water our own droopy garden.....anyway---

Today I found this.

BANG! The Universe Verse Book 1 is unique comic book that illustrates scientific theories about the origin of the universe as Dr. Seuss might have done. Best of all, it’s narrated by a cartoon Einstein, and there’s no dumbing down of content.
Instead, Jamie Dunbar has given the reader permission to not fully grasp it all. “This book is intended for all ages,” says the preface. “If you don’t understand everything, don’t worry, no one does!”

Amazing what a powerful sentence that is.

Also, it’s available FREE as a PDF direct from the author (email him here) or in a low-res version on his website.

Father's Day

Yesterday at pick-up time, the preschool hallway was lined with messily painted lighthouses cut from construction paper. Each one said, “My Dad lights up my life.” The last one was my son’s lighthouse. It said, “My Family lights up my life.”

It made me smile.

Over the past 13 years that my partner and I have been parents, I don't sense any sadness from our kids about Father’s Day. It's not like Valentine's Day when you don't have a valentine. But I'm not naive. I'm sure our kids find themselves wishing for a father from time to time, but so far they have not shared that wish with us.

And while I hold my head up very high about the kind of parenting we provide for our three kids, yes, sometimes on Father's Day I feel a tiny twinge. I can't really describe it. It's just a twinge.

The twinge became so strong to me a few years back that I tried to turn Father’s Day into something that our family could celebrate in our own way.

In my naturally overcompensating way, I attempted to celebrate the day in a way that honored my partner, since it seemed like Mother’s Day was always ended up being about me.

Let's be clear. It was not a gender confusion thing. We all know she is a mom, but I thought it was practical. On a day when everyone was honoring fathers, we would honor her. After all, each of the kids had described her as “the one that is more like a Dad” at one time or another.

The whole thing failed miserably. Everything was awkward. My partner, who was trying her best not to hurt my feelings, said, “This is weird. I’m not their father. I’m no one’s father.”

Point well taken.

So on Father's Day, we’ll be thinking about all the wonderful fathers in our lives and in the lives of our kids. I'll be thinking about my own dad and eating strawberry pie with him.

We have two moms in our family. There is no father. That is just simply the way that it is.

So this Sunday, we will embrace the fact that Father’s Day is about Fathers - and that's a good thing!

Happy Father’s Day.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Pride!

So far this June in Binghamton, large numbers of LGBT people have raised the rainbow flag at City Hall, picnicked together at the local State Park, and had a great time at our Pride Palooza, an LGBT themed street fair. Despite the sketchy weather, Pride has definately been a success.


Here are my boys with Ms. DeDe Kupps, one of our favorite performers at the Pride Palooza.

And here is the girl (fresh from a basketball tournament) with her favorite, Katrina.

I figure, you really haven't been to Pride until you get your picture taken with a drag queen.

Check out the listing of other pride events around the whole world here or find Pride and Joy Events here!


Have Fun!

K

The Mighty B!

The kids and I have found a new favorite show ---Check it out!

The complex, completely relatable and slightly off-kilter dreams and ambitions of a 9- ("and three-quarters") year-old girl, Bessie Higgenbottom.

Bessie is a bit awkward - especially in the social arena. She's still getting her teeth in, so there's a slight lisp and a watery spray to her high-octive speaking style. She is fearless in a daunting world but also struggles to be good at basic things, like how to fit in, how to get along and be understood.

Bessie channels 135 percent of her energy into her Honeybee troop, where her pursuit of Honeybee badges is legendary. Getting Honeybee badges seems to give her a purpose, and it lets her get closer to her troop mates. She's a bit obsessed with collecting all the badges, so pigtailed Bessie zeros in on each badge challenge with real zeal. Because earning a badge is a little bit like fitting in.

And there's a higher purpose as well. Bessie believes that if she's good enough to collect every possible badge (numbering at least 5,000), she will become a superhero - the Mighty B!
If you're venturing a guess that "The Mighty B!" is partly about growing up and fitting in and the anxiety that can come with that, you're right. It's also about being an individual, about believing in yourself despite adversity, having a zest for life and setting goals. Those are all good traits in kids who are 9 "and three-quarters."

But don’t even think you are getting an episode of Arthur when you tune in to Mighty B. There are lessons, sure, but they are buried in pure silly, mindless entertainment. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, and this show is FUNNY!

Bessie lives in San Francisco, which I easily figured out the first time I saw the show- cable cars, recognizable architecture and a multi-ethnic cast. Her mom rides a motorcycle, sports a tattoo, and I haven’t heard any mention of a father figure yet

Because even though "The Mighty B!" is firmly out of that wonderful no-commercials block of educational children's television, it still has an important message to convey: that transitioning into the "tweener" stage of life can be daunting and formidable, particularly for a girl, but that they are not alone. Did I mention that this show is FUNNY! ?

"The Mighty B!" proves that Bessie has no shortage of self-esteem and that given a shelter dog named Happy and a ragtag group of friends in similar stages of awkward growth, she's going to do just fine.

The Mighty B! Cartoon Network---Check Listings...

Grandma

Blackberry Pie Baker Quilter Smiler Baby Rocker Garden Weeder Hot Tea Drinker Apron Wearer Gift Giver Pillowcase Stitcher Potato Masher Story Teller Memory Keeper To Town Walker Kid Lover Dish Washer Doll Dresser Gossip Teller Snake Chaser Berry Picker Pin Wearer Book Reader Letter Writer Gravy Maker Card Sender Ironer Hand Holder

Jane Maude Pittaway Eggleton

June 14,1900-September 25, 2008

Soccer Fantasy

Today was one of those amazing fall days full of sunshine and crispness. It was the perfect day to go to my six year old's soccer game and I was able to leave everyone else at home and do just that.
A little while into the game, my son had still not made an appearance on the field and since I have no sports sense, I didn't think much of it. Until the coach (one of the most dedicated-to children-never -loses -their -patience -people I have ever met) came running over to me to tell me what was up.

Turns out my son was "not mentally prepared to play yet" and they were trying to get him on to the field, but he was resisting by making excuses, warming up...
I immediately thought of my conversation with him in the car on the way to the game:

"I'm so glad I get to come to your game today without Will and baby
Clare because I can really watch you play. Make sure you pay attention and
play your best because I will really be watching today."

This conversation was intended to make him feel special and supported, but I think it was a little too much pressure. What was I trying to do to this kid? Yikes.

So eventually the game ended and we were headed home. He filled the air with a recap of all of his shots toward the goal, how the coach tells him what a great job he is doing, how he got the ball from the other team and even how they almost won.

I felt like I was in the twilight zone for a moment--none of those things matched up with the kid I saw playing. When he would actually agree to play, he would run around kind of aimlessly and half heartedly, never really making contact with the ball, never really playing soccer.

My first thought was that he was delusional. Then I thought again. This soccer fantasy is what he wished had happened. It was how he imagined I wanted things to be and therefore how he wished they were.

I think of how often we wish we had done things differently and we know people we care about wish the same thing for us. When other people handle things better than us, or think of smarter ideas or catch on faster. When other kids are the ones who make contact with the ball and even kick it--in the right direction.

So instead of asking him why or correcting him, I just went along. I told him that he has a great team and that I think they are lucky to have him as a player. I wanted him to know that I knew how he felt, that I too had been there before, so I joined him in his soccer fantasy.

It was a good day, we made lots of great shots, and we almost won.

K

Argiope aurantia

We recently had this gorgeous and talented spider hanging near our front porch. We peeked in on her everyday, to see what she was up to and even saw her catch a fly, wrap it up and munch on it a little---good stuff!

We found out that she is a type of writing spider called argiope auratia and the bold zig zag that ran down the middle of her web is a trait of her species. The conspicuous line means fewer birds flying in to destroy the web, but it also tips off insects. These spiders catch 34% fewer insects than most other spiders.

One day, we checked on her and she was gone----Thank you for letting us be part of your interesting life for a few days.

gross things allowed

We are taking our family vacation next week and this time we are taking our babysitter with us. This brought up a conversation this morning about the difference between things that you say and do with just your family versus things that you say and do with people outside of your family. The sub-topics of this conversation included fart sounds (real or not) talking about or showing your private parts and saying really gross things, whether or not they have actually happened in our house.

Frankly, one of the things I was thinking of least when considering the ultimate compatibility of my partner and I as co-parents, was our level of tolerance for grossness and rudeness. Certainly there was the obvious; who will be changing the diapers, and will they retch each and every time they do so? Do either parties sneer at spit up, have difficulty with blood or gag at mucus? We’ve worked it out pretty well over the years, and generally I have less of a problem with grossness in general and when a garbage can needs to be washed, a puke blanket soaked or a diarrhea pillow scraped, I am usually the woman for the job.

Funny then, that I am generally the more uptight of the two of us. So when it comes to belching at the table or making fart noises for fun, I rarely join in.

My partner, as seems the natural order of things, is my polar opposite on such things. While I like a well-decorated home that smells like you just baked apple cinnamon muffins, she has a more realistic and some might say “childlike” attitude when it comes to family living. This is probably because of three basic things: 1. She grew up in a home with few rules about these things. 2. She has three brothers and she is kind of boyish. 3. She has two little boys and a tomboyish girl who all think it’s hysterical. Add these together, mix with a mother who is “the fun one” and wallows in this stuff and sometimes we have a simply disgusting state of chaos at the dinner table.

So, I tried to draw some lines in the sand about our upcoming trip. In the car ride this morning, I went over the nudity rules, the inappropriate sounds, the weird killing threats, the Fergie lyrics, the obsession with boobs, and bodily functions. And this time I told them I thought it was their other mom’s fault just as much as theirs. She was encouraging them, and I’d have to get her to stop if I expected us to have a pleasant and polite vacation.
You should have heard them.

“But that’s what makes her who she is! That’s what makes her so much fun!” they wailed. Faced with three distraught children who thought they were going to be robbed of their partner in crime, I caved, admitted that indeed, that was what made her “ so much fun.” And after all, it would be no fun to have two mothers who were just the same, especially two like me, even if I do get to be “the love one”.

Which leads me to resolve myself to the fact that during a our trip I will probably be asked to judge a belching contest at the dinner table and comment on the size of the boobs on the woman who is running the ride at the amusement park. And I will be smiling.

And so, years from now, when our children bring home prospective mates, and these mates are subjected to a jaw-rattling round of rude noises and doggy-snort imitations in sentimental memory of our experiences together, it’ll be a good proving ground. Let them learn a lesson from us. Get this issue on the table first, or you never know what will be happening at your table twenty years from now.

K

Favorite---Without Us?

I was recently able to close my Business Law text for good and not feel guilty about picking up a “fun” book to read this summer. So, I finished reading what was one of the best books I have read in a while. In The World Without Us, Alan Weisman takes the reader on a journey to the future (which I suppose could happen anytime) when humans are no longer on the planet - and the devastation and growth that happens simultaneously in the fallout.

The World Without Us explores what will happen when we are no longer here to maintain what we have built…and how the animals and fauna will start taking back the planet almost immediately upon our demise. Whether it be from an asteroid, a nuclear war or some pandemic, Weisman talks about the worst case scenario for us, that we disappear immediately. What would be a pretty bad experience for us humans would benefit the planet immensely - after it cleaned up our mess.

Between the nuclear plants melting down, skyscrapers collapsing into the Atlantic Ocean where Manhattan once reigned, subways filling with water, or damns giving way, it is going to be one wild ride once we disappear. It is amazing tale about the world itself as well as an exploration of what we humans have created on this planet, and if it doesn’t make you start thinking about your true place in the world, then you are not paying attention.

Weisman takes turns going back and forth between the future and the present, and along the way talks about various conditions around the world that are causing damage to our planet. For example, he talks about the floating plastic debris field in the middle of the Pacific Ocean called the North Pacific Subtropical Gyre, which is basically a circular graveyard where all of our plastic ends up. That single cup you let float into the ocean ends up here, along with another 18 million tons of plastic. Yes, we have created a virtual island out of plastic in the Pacific Ocean…

The next time you think the earth is in danger, think again, the earth will take care of itself…maybe by getting rid of us and all that we have done to it. This book is an incredible adventure through the aftermath, and The World Without Us is definitely worth a read or two.

Karen