The Hands Off Approach....sort of

Recently, I found myself socializing with some other parents like me. After discussing the best snack choices and how dirty everyone's minivan always is, we started talking about how hard is to make sure that we raise children who have a strong moral compass--what if these kids end up with no sense of ethics? Most parents commented that having strong morals as a parent would surely rub off on the kids--whether they like it or not.

And as it usually does, one of my favorite parenting strategies came up — the importance of letting kids drive their own decision-making as much as we can, even when we disagree. We talked about how it’s vital to let them take the wheel as often as possible if we want them to develop the long-term ability to think ethically and well on their own. Obviously there are many times when we have to assert our own judgment. But letting go when we can has some great long-term benefits.

I was curious and brought up questions of raising kids to be critical thinkers in a culture dominated by religion. The Pledge of Allegiance, the proselytizing neighbor, Grandma’s insistence on taking the kids to her church, pressure from religious peers — I shared my belief that, in every case, the best thing a parent can do is help the child assess options and weigh consequences, then let the child make his or her own decision about what to do, even if the parent thinks it’s a mistake. They’ll learn more from the experience than from any pre-emptive lecture we can give. (Not to mention the possibility that our advice could have been wrong.)

While driving home, I thought of something that happened when Ellen was younger.

She (then about 9) asked if she could wear a pink beaded cross necklace to school. She’d bought it on vacation at the dollar store, but now she said, “I feel weird wearing it when I’m not sure if I believe in god. Like I’m not being honest. But I just like to wear it.”

“It’s fine, sweetie. It’s a pretty necklace.”

She paused. There was more, I could tell. “It makes me feel good to wear it.”

Uhhh, okay, I was trying really hard not to judge. “You mean that you feel like a good person when you wear a cross?”

“No, of course not,” she said. “It just…” She smiled, “It makes me feel like I’m more safe somehow.”
It was a simple talisman to her. An object of no real value, that gave her strength when she needed it. In time I knew that she would realize that the strength she felt was really coming from herself. I thought about the worry dolls I had as a child... and Ellen does spend more time worrying than she needed to. I let it go.

As it happens, she wore it for a week, then I found it on the floor of the car and put it in her room. I haven’t seen it since. I assumed she got tired of it, or made some decision about it. And because she had made the decision herself, there’s a much greater chance that she gained something more valuable than if I had simply issued a ruling.

So, parenting continues to teach me things everyday. It’s hard to watch them struggle as they try to figure out what is right for themselves...and harder yet not to share some sage advice with them. Sometimes, it would be so much easier to tell them what they believe based on what we believe. But in the end, the hope is that they will turn out to be ethical adults who can make intelligent decisions and live a life that they can feel good about living.

K