The Hands Off Approach....sort of

Recently, I found myself socializing with some other parents like me. After discussing the best snack choices and how dirty everyone's minivan always is, we started talking about how hard is to make sure that we raise children who have a strong moral compass--what if these kids end up with no sense of ethics? Most parents commented that having strong morals as a parent would surely rub off on the kids--whether they like it or not.

And as it usually does, one of my favorite parenting strategies came up — the importance of letting kids drive their own decision-making as much as we can, even when we disagree. We talked about how it’s vital to let them take the wheel as often as possible if we want them to develop the long-term ability to think ethically and well on their own. Obviously there are many times when we have to assert our own judgment. But letting go when we can has some great long-term benefits.

I was curious and brought up questions of raising kids to be critical thinkers in a culture dominated by religion. The Pledge of Allegiance, the proselytizing neighbor, Grandma’s insistence on taking the kids to her church, pressure from religious peers — I shared my belief that, in every case, the best thing a parent can do is help the child assess options and weigh consequences, then let the child make his or her own decision about what to do, even if the parent thinks it’s a mistake. They’ll learn more from the experience than from any pre-emptive lecture we can give. (Not to mention the possibility that our advice could have been wrong.)

While driving home, I thought of something that happened when Ellen was younger.

She (then about 9) asked if she could wear a pink beaded cross necklace to school. She’d bought it on vacation at the dollar store, but now she said, “I feel weird wearing it when I’m not sure if I believe in god. Like I’m not being honest. But I just like to wear it.”

“It’s fine, sweetie. It’s a pretty necklace.”

She paused. There was more, I could tell. “It makes me feel good to wear it.”

Uhhh, okay, I was trying really hard not to judge. “You mean that you feel like a good person when you wear a cross?”

“No, of course not,” she said. “It just…” She smiled, “It makes me feel like I’m more safe somehow.”
It was a simple talisman to her. An object of no real value, that gave her strength when she needed it. In time I knew that she would realize that the strength she felt was really coming from herself. I thought about the worry dolls I had as a child... and Ellen does spend more time worrying than she needed to. I let it go.

As it happens, she wore it for a week, then I found it on the floor of the car and put it in her room. I haven’t seen it since. I assumed she got tired of it, or made some decision about it. And because she had made the decision herself, there’s a much greater chance that she gained something more valuable than if I had simply issued a ruling.

So, parenting continues to teach me things everyday. It’s hard to watch them struggle as they try to figure out what is right for themselves...and harder yet not to share some sage advice with them. Sometimes, it would be so much easier to tell them what they believe based on what we believe. But in the end, the hope is that they will turn out to be ethical adults who can make intelligent decisions and live a life that they can feel good about living.

K

Wet Wednesday

Since it looks like it may rain here at any moment, our plans to attend the carnival at the town pool today may be cancelled. I was looking for something interesting to do with the kids when I remembered this cool thing I had seen a while ago.

It's a paper city that you can download and cut out and have fun with!

I love the little people.

I think they're French....

There are vehicles and animals too. We are also planning to create some of our own to add to the city.

 We thought it was weird that it seems to be missing a robot and a ninja.

K

Wordless Wednesday

Our nation's new official poet

"Merwin's poems speak from a lifelong belief in the power of words to awaken our drowsy souls and see the world with compassionate interconnection." 
                                               ---said of W.S. Merwin when he won his second Pulitzer Prize.

Last week, William S. Merwin was was named the 17th poet laureate of the United States. During his term, the Poet Laureate seeks to raise the national consciousness to a greater appreciation of the reading and writing of poetry.

Yesterday by W. S. Merwin


My friend says I was not a good son
you understand
I say yes I understand

he says I did not go
to see my parents very often you know
and I say yes I know

even when I was living in the same city he says
maybe I would go there once
a month or maybe even less
I say oh yes

he says the last time I went to see my father
I say the last time I saw my father
he says the last time I saw my father

he was asking me about my life
how I was making out and he
went into the next room
to get something to give me
oh I say

feeling again the cold
of my father's hand the last time
he says and my father turned
in the doorway and saw me
look at my wristwatch and he

said you know I would like you to stay
and talk with me
oh yes I say

but if you are busy he said
I don't want you to feel that you
have to
just because I'm here

I say nothing

he says my father
said maybe
you have important work you are doing
or maybe you should be seeing
somebody I don't want to keep you

I look out the window
my friend is older than I am
he says and I told my father it was so

and I got up and left him then
you know
though there was nowhere I had to go
and nothing I had to do

Flying Lessons 2 Bees

The eight year old looking worried said, "I want to go outside, but I can't."


"What’s the problem?” I asked, knowing.

“Bees."

“Ah.”

“What should I do?” he looked at me for an answer.

“You should go to your room and curl up in a ball on the floor.”

He rolled his eyes and he sighed as if to say, "I know you are going to make a point".


“If your only goal is to be safe, it’s your best move. But if you want a good life, you need to spend some time figuring out which fears are worth having.”


"Bees sting. It's a fear worth having." (there's the smart guy I love)

He’s right. But I want him to learn to balance risk and reward — to recognize that too manic an obsession with safety wrings all of the fun out of life, that we too often worry about the wrong things anyway, and that a little knowledge can often do more than anything else to put fears in perspective.

So we Googled bees and why they might want to hurt us, and we found out that they don't want to after all. As we suspected, most bees die after they sting.

We also found this cool picture of a man covered with bees and he looks reasonable, right?

So why should we be afraid?

"So it looks like you you and the bee both want the same thing. Just go about your business, leave the bees alone and I'll bet they do the same."

"But what if I do get stung?"

"I have ice and medicine and hugs and ice cream."

Out he ran.

K